Chicken and horse at a meadow

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ‘No, I think I can stand over the hole’. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, ‘grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up’. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse’s “thingy” and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Magic Trick

 

Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, “Do you want to see a magic trick?”

Second guy says, “Sure.”

“OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees.”

Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.

“There,” says the first one, “… does that feel like you’ve got a thumb up your ass?”

“Yes!”

The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, “Magic!”

A Penguin

A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he’s really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I’m really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!”

The guy there says, “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.”

“What’s a penguin?”

“You’ll see!!!”

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “penguin.” Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he’s about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, “HEY! WHAT’S A PENGUIN?!?”

Embarrasing

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
“Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won`t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I`m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I`m a journalist and I`ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $100?”

Careful What You Wish For

 

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?”

The doctor replied, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gave him directions to the witch’s place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.

“Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can’t get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, ‘will you marry me?’ Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter.”

The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, “NO.”

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

“WOW!” he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, “This is great! But it’s still too long at 16 inches, so I’ll ask the frog to marry me again.”

Once more he shouted to the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, “This is fantastic!”

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. “Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal,” he thought. “So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time.”

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, “NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!”

Watch This

This cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

The cowboy says, “Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, “It 2 o’clock.”

The cowboy looks at his watch and says, “By Golly, you are right!”

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.

“Don’t tell me….you’re telling time also?”

Indian looks up at him and says, “Yes, me telling time.”

The cowboy says, “Okay smartass, what time is it?”

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, “It 4 o’clock.”

The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking.

A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.

“Don’t tell me you are telling time!!??”

The Indian looks up at him and says, “No, me winding watch!!”

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.

6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. Its best to have a soft place to land.

8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you’ve got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That’s why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.

Real Pissers

* There’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

* You buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

* There’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

* You’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

* You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.

* Someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

* A friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.

* You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.

* You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

* A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

* Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

* There’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

* The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

* Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

* The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

* You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

* Using leaf blowers or lawn equipment early in the morning. Eek!! I do hate this!

* People who come barging through the door you just opened for your own passage as if you are some sort of doorman or something. Along those same lines: People for whom you DO intentionally open or hold a door who then just breeze through without any acknowledgement.

* Cashiers who neither acknowledge you nor thank you.

* Listening to a song on the radio waiting patiently until the end for the DJ to tell you who it was by and he DOESN’T.

* You’re sitting in your car with your car’s hood up, trying to crank your car and someone asks, “Car won’t start?”

* People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

* The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. (This actually happened to me and made my ankle bleed! Not even so much as an apology.)

* It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

* People in a long line at a drive-thru who don’t pull up all the way. Hello! There are people behind you with their tail-ends sticking out into the street just WAITING to be rear-ended. Do you think you could bother to look in your rear-view mirror and realize there are others waiting too!

* You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

* You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.

* When people say, “It’s always in the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

* When people say, while watching a movie, “Did you see that?” No asshole, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?

* People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya buddy?

* People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

* When there are two adults living in a household, but only one (the female) is smart enough to change the roll of toilet paper when it is empty! It’s NOT rocket science, ya know!

* When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you pulled me over.

* When something is “new and improved”, which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Computer Geeks love style!!

how would you pick up a computer geek.. i got a few pickup lines here.

- Nice Set of Floppies!

- Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

- I’d like to play on your laptop.

- Need me to unzip your files?

- If you were an ISP, I’d dial you all day long!

- I’d like to boot up your PC!

- I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen!

- I’ve got a 21 inch… (monitor)

- I’d get a T3 to watch your streaming video…

- Your homepage or mine?

India starts prostituition school

The Indian Ministry of Human Resource & Development is to start a government-sponsored school for prostitutes at the Institute for Carnal Studies.

“We have decided to hire sex workers with at least 10-12 years of experience as teachers. They will give students a first-hand account of how they made their way in the trade. Besides modern-day porn, the Institute will also have lessons from the Kamasutra so that lovemaking is pleasurable rather than being just about money,” he says.

The girls will learn everything from seduction to handling finances. “It will be an honour to teach. Besides giving the girls useful tips about sex, we will also tell them how to seduce clients and extract maximum money. I am glad that the government is finally thinking about our needs,” says Kamala, one of those on the ICS faculty.

While the Institute will offer a basic two-year degree programme for just Rs 2000, there will be advanced courses for those wishing to specialise as high-society call girls. With a growing demand for same-sex partners, ICS also has an option six-month crash course in ‘Lesbian Relationships and Practices.’ Special classes for gigolos could begin as early as next year.

“The students will get a lot of practical exposure. They will do a month-long internship in various red light areas of the country where they will practice what they have learnt. We also expect them to produce feedback from clients. The student who scores the highest in terms of client satisfaction will get a cash prize of Rs 1 lakh and also a chance to represent India at an international meet in Phuket, Thailand,” says Kishore.

Alright. Don’t get all excited now. It’s was an joke. Got you going though!